WWelcome to the 2021 Fiver Christmas Awards. For anyone counting, this is the fifth year of us admitting that we’ve lost track of how long we’ve been doing this, so the total time should be in at least double digits, 11 or 14 or 23 Maybe, something like this. sound right? So here we are again, happy as possible, all good friends and good company. And while we’re talking about the contrived bonhomie theme and forced festive spirit, pour yourself a big glass of Cillit Bang, top it off with a bit of audacity, pop in a cube or two of Calgon, and let yourself slip into an effortless, decadent fantasy, behind the cupboard, under the kitchen, covered in fuel, Enough to go through the rest of this email and then some. Enjoy! Try to have fun!
GUY FAWKES AWARD FOR SUPPORTING THE NATIONAL TEAM
Team Ingerlund was in a grand final for the first time since the launch of the Mk2 Ford Cortina, and there was only one way to celebrate in the country. Across the country, pubs filled up from breakfast time, and in London itself, Leicester Square was filled with those who chose to kill their nerves before the game by stomping on broken bottles, singing about World War II and throwing away jazz salt.
One dealer upped the ante on “La pyro, no party” by shoving a lit glow between his buttocks. “I’ve been on p1ss since 8 a.m. and had at least 20 cans of Strongbow,” said Charlie Berry, a bishop’s worker from Sunbury-on-Thames, with a “Benidorm Bunters” tattooed on one of his cheeks. “It was the biggest day of my life.” Charlie also claimed to be one of the mobs who “jumped” at the Euro Not 2020 final itself, storming the gates and endangering others. A report published in December concluded that “threats, aggression, violence, the use of smoke, the throwing of missiles – including excrement – and the excessive consumption of alcohol and cocaine, all combined to fuel a feverish atmosphere.”
Del Ametri Award for Staying Home Soon
In 1954 Scotland were eliminated from the group stage. In 1958 Scotland were eliminated from the group stage. In 1974 Scotland were eliminated from the group stage. In 1978 Scotland were eliminated from the group stage. In 1982 Scotland were eliminated from the group stage. In 1986, Scotland were eliminated from the group stage. In 1990 Scotland were eliminated from the group stage. In 1992 Scotland were eliminated from the group stage. In 1996, Scotland were eliminated from the group stage. In 1998 Scotland were eliminated from the group stage. At EN 2020 Scotland… as soon as Patrick Schick of the Czech Republic crashed one into Hampden from somewhere near Prestwick Airport, die Ally MacLeod was chosen. However, they at least beat England 0-0 at Wembley.
NYTOL Award for Sleeping Like Babies
This prestigious award, which for the past two decades has been dominated by supporters of losing powers such as Manchester City and Chelsea, goes to Newcastle United fans who have spent the past two months indifferent towards the source of money that will fund the 2022-23 promotion. Some of the mental exercises performed were of an Olympic standard, with a definition of difficulty of 5.8, while WhatsApp volume reached levels not previously recorded outside of Ibrox or Parkhead. Good job all! Melatonin chewing gum in all respects!
IT Crowd Award for Throwing Stressed Minority Groups Under the Bus
This goes to the Toon LGBTQ + United with Pride supporter group. Not so much to go out of their way to welcome the new system-bound owners than to be happy to imprison, beat, whip and torture homosexuals, though there is, or to dismiss them from the Pride In Football Network in a fit of rage shortly after, but mainly for the sake of this cold show For elite-level hand washing: “We can look at the situation in Saudi Arabia and we can rightly condemn it, but it’s not our responsibility as a group to work on something.” A careless mockery could have done the trick just as well, but hats off to go the extra mile. Keep in mind that not winning a domestic cup since 1955 is a form of suffering too, right? Solidarity!
NEAL CASSADY PRIZE FOR TEAM BUS STOP
The €uper ££ was a bad thing, as it was hacked up by clubs who wanted more loot after they had previously outgrown all loot. It’s been doomed from the moment its website launched late Sunday night, and it looks like it was built on version 1.0 of Dreamweaver. And while Florentino Perez might claim that the project is the best way to save football…sorry, Real Madrid, he died in the water as soon as fans in England took to the streets to protest.
Chelsea were just spared as their fans raged on London’s elegant King’s Road, and other Premier League clubs (including, Tottenham) quickly followed suit. “We got it wrong, and we want to show we can make things right,” Joel Glazer said in an open letter to Manchester United fans on April 21. The response from United fans is not good enough. “We decide when to play,” cried a bed sheet on the club’s training ground. A protest in the front yard on 2 May led to the cancellation of the Liverpool match, as a massive blockade prevented team buses from leaving their hotels. “Today’s game has been called off and the fans are talking,” Xie Neville exclaimed, developing his taste for the protest movement.
‘March’ of Mahatma Gandhi from a bar we were about to be there anyway to the football stadium and we were going to get an award anyway due to ineffective protest
Tired of free-spenders showering their side with expensive signings and appointing big-cup winning managers, a diverse group of Everton fans finally decided they had enough and tried to stage a 27th-minute exit against Arsenal. The result was nothing if unexpected: at the exact moment a few fans were seen making the exits, perhaps oblivious to any protest but intending to visit the restrooms or have their drink. The vast majority of those who remained in their seats managed to cheer their team to a 2-1 victory. Get it, Farhad Moshiri!
Herbert Bamlett Award for Management Excellence
Pamelet’s managerial career has been a mixed affair, to say the least. On the one hand, he reached one point in driving Oldham Athletic To the title in 1915, which was no small feat. On the other hand, he was in charge at Old Trafford in 1930, when his Manchester United side lost their first 12 games and suffered a shameful relegation. So, you know, let’s not talk about the more problematic aspects of Ole Gunnar Solskjær’s time at the wheel, it wasn’t who – which bad. In fact, Ole has not only kept United, his 54.17 win percentage compares very favorably with Bamelet’s 31.15, and has only been surpassed in United’s history by Jose Mourinho (58.33), Lord Verg (59.67), and statistically their father all. , Michael Carrick from Team. Well done Olly! Fatiha! Having said that, the Bamlet mob in 1930-31 managed to defeat Liverpool 4-1 at home, while Ole’s men… OK, OK, but let’s not kick a man as he touches down.
BOAS-MATTEO AWARD FOR PROFESSIONAL EXPRESSION AND NON-SLIP IN JUXTAPOSITION
Frank Lampard. Oh Thomas. Did you have to make it very clear?
DAVID COOTE AWARD FOR VARIETY RELATED TOMATO PRODUCTS
There is plenty to choose from, but Martin Atkinson and Video Assistant Referee Darren England were both collectively shocked during Manchester United’s league win over West Ham at the London Stadium. Posted in the half by Aaron Wan-Bissaka in United’s penalty area, not only did Tomas Suchek not only get a penalty, but he was actually penalized for a foul. Later in the match, Cristiano Ronaldo was denied a clear penalty after a foul by Vladimir Koval, then another less obvious penalty before West Ham walked the field and was not awarded a penalty after Luke Shaw’s outrageous touch. That decision was invalidated at least in the time it took David Moyes to take Mark Noble off the bench to take the decisive penalty with his first and last kick of the match. He miss.
FORREST GUMP LIFE is like a box of chocolates for worst analysis
When the Premier League sent its self-serving attack dogs to pour cold water all over Tracy Crouch’s fan-led review, Aston Villa boss Christian Purslow parroted the inaccurate and completely uninformed Tesco v Corner Shop previously used during lockdown by him. Crystal Palace counterpart Steve Parish. “Hold my Bertie!” Leeds United managing director Angus Kinnear, who later gambled his prize by comparing the appointment of an independent football regulator to an authoritarian Maoist collectivization policy that has killed at least 15 million people, declared Leeds United managing director Angus Kinnear. Perspective, Angus. impression.
Sam KERR Award for doing things Sam KERR
When a probably drunk man stormed Kingsmeadow Stadium during the Women’s Cup big match between Chelsea and Juventus, he got more than one selfie he bargained for. Sam Kerr, striker of Chelsea and Matildas, hit the ground with a rolling kick. Hello Sam? No, referee Sarah Pearson waved a yellow card and it later emerged that El Ghazi did not qualify for arrest, due to the old Football (Offences) Act 1991 which did not include women’s football in the definition of a “designed match”.
Caligula Bunton Prize for throwing good money after bad
Football players these days are trendsetters. “Influencers,” as the kids call them. They’re also cash machines, as were the heroes of Hard-Fi indie landfills once upon a time. The money keeps pouring in while the rest of us wonder if we should wear an extra jacket or pay the gas bill. This does not mean alienating new sources of income. Oh no. Irreplaceable tokens and the wonderful crypto world of clubs and players give ample opportunities to flog the latest ancient load on various social media. What do you get out of your NFT, other than ownership of a CRTL-C’ed drawing that easily looks like one of the trash kids? Yes, good question, and until the football authorities wake up – Crypto.com sponsors VAR technology in Serie A – this is Klondike’s golden period when nothing is sold for much.
GARY LINEKER IMODIUM PRIZE FOR A SHORT PRIZE AT A WRONG MOMENT
Scottish commentator Bobby Bullock was late in the second half of the match between Hamilton and Ross County and apologized to viewers, saying he “goed too far in the first half”. Suits Accies was aptly understanding when it came to “Buloch’s very bad attempt at humor” and declared that she “didn’t find this funny and the person would never be used again”.
Boris Johnson Award for Standing Up Like a Mature Man
As Manchester United captain, for the second year in a row, Harry Maguire scored more than 200 hours of brutal honest cannibalism after the match, as he raised his hands, stood up front, promised to do better and admitted he was not. Good enough for a club like Manchester United. Every minute is delivered in a serious tone as he wears a frown of grave concern to the politician. Bravo offers.
DOMINIC RAAB AWARD for Post-Brexit Maneuverability
And it’s another £80m Harry Maguire game!
BUMPER ONE-OFF FESTIVE TV & RADIO SPECIAL: All the highlights from Christmas and New Years Eve
correct. You are kidding right?
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